Anger as Catharsis and Perhaps Closure

Today something happened that may change me - or at least my views concerning a certain person. Actually, I hope it changes me. For a couple of years now, I've had this friend. About a year and a half ago, he really REALLY hurt me. I forgave him, and we remained friends, but it was never the same. It got a little better, but for a while now, I've felt as if he's been trying to put more distance between us. And the more he's tried, the more I've tried to be okay with it. To put some distance between us myself. But it's been difficult. Then last week something happened - completely unbeknownst to him - which broke my anger seal. Anger - yes - but also regret and self-blame, and a number of other emotions which simply overwhelmed me with depression. For a couple of days at least. And then I thought it would be okay between us. Even though my anger was still there. At him and at me.

But today, I went to say hi to him unexpectedly, and his reception of me could not have expressed more annoyance or portrayed the fact more clearly that I was not thought of as welcome - as a friend should be. And, finally, all the anger that I'd been directing only partly at him, but mostly inwardly, at myself, errupted outward. I wanted to scream at him. I wanted to hurt him. I wanted to tell him, "Fine. You want solitude? You want to be left alone? You've got it. Oh, and f--k you."

I went home, and I paced. I wanted a kick boxing bag, something to break. But, instead, I paced and I texted my sister. I fumed, but it was still at him. I came to work. Many times, when he's upset me, I have tended to start crying uncontrollably. Well, not today. No crying here. I've wasted enough time, enough chances, enough tears on this asshole who takes my friendship for granted. No more.

Because, finally, I feel like I might have gotten what I never got at the end of last summer after our first falling out: I feel like I might have closure. And any anger I have left at myself is for wasting so much of myself on him, for believing in him, for being so stupid and blind. I won't allow myself that any more. Will he waste one thought on me? One apology, even one regret at how he behaved today? Has behaved toward me in the past? No. He won't. He's wrapped in his own world, where his actions hurt no one and his rationalizations protect him from ever being in the wrong.

Will I finally be able to let go - of him, of the past, of all the hopes I used to have for a real friendship with this person? I honestly don't know at this point. But, for the first time since we first became friends, I feel like it's not only a possibility but a strong probability. And if I have trouble, I'll turn to my real friends, my sisters, and I'll recall the ugly look on his face today. Everything that's been happening recently has simply confirmed what I've been telling myself for a very long time now concerning him: he doesn't know how to have real friends or to be one. I don't hate him. And I will forgive him. Nevertheless, I simply can't continue to delude myself into thinking that we are friends.